Unconstructive Criticism With Constructive Subtext
This is what my Mom is famous for dispensing. I've nearly everyone who has met her say the same thing. I'm pretty sure this played a role in my parents divorce. She nags for the sake of nagging. I'm not saying it's unwarranted, but sometimes it's just unnecessary. Even when I have fucked up, which apparently is often it would be a lot more helpful to just give advice [ i.e. Okay, you've done _____ wrong. This is what you can do better next time.] I suppose all mothers have a reputation for nagging. My mom however takes it to new levels, and find new creative ways in which to do so. She should win the Nobel No Peace Price for this stuff, I'm totally "cereal" you guys. For example:
I was snug in my bed this morning not the comfortable one in the dormitory, the smaller one at "home" [Topeka]. The one that creaks and squeaks way too much. The one which probably makes everyone in the house [Mom, Martin, Liz, maybe Elle if she knows what this means and isn't preoccupied with night terrors] think I am masturbating. I just toss and turn a lot, and the bed amplifies every minute twitch I make. I'm not masturbating. I do that earlier. In the computer chair that doesn't squeak.
Anyway, my dream about catholic school girls unloading the trunk of my car into Shung a Creek was interrupted by screaming. Mom spent the next ten minutes explaining that my car hadn't been towed, and that I was an idiot, as loud as she could. How should I have known you need to be present with ID when they tow your car? They sure don't mind towing it all those other times when I wasn't around. Why when I actually need it moved can they not tow it? She told me that I don't listen. She knows this, I guess, because she was there or on the other line [she wasn't]. She knows this because why else would I turn the volume on my phone up extra loud and make a point to listen carefully because this was a new experience and I didn't want to miss any important details. I suppose if I had been a true listener I would have done something other than listen patiently and answer all the questions the AAA man asked me. In case you didn't pick up on that cynicism the AAA man NEVER told me I had to stay with my car. He just thought it was implied; and Mom thought I had ignored this. Wrong on both counts. I suppose in retrospect it makes sense, if you don't stay there anyone could have anyone's car towed. But after providing all that descriptive info I guess I assumed I didn't need to stick around. Plus it was moving day and I needed to walk back to the dorms and pack up so I hoped while I was back home packing they take care of things, like they said they would. I thought that I was being pretty responsible by calling AAA but I guess I was wrong. Then she blamed me for not answering my cell phone when AAA called me back to find out where I was. What I tried to tell her but she didn't seem to hear is that I had left my cellphone at home and was forced to use a pay phone but she made it sound as if I had just ignored the call. Then she moved on to me not following up to get my car repaired. "Why hadn't I gone by the auto shop to see if it was in the parking lot?" "Why hadn't I called to find out what was wrong with the car or at least make sure it was there?" Because yesterday you said it was sitting in the parking lot at the auto shop. This usually means. . . That it is sitting in the parking lot at the auto shop. But I guess I wrongly interpreted this as "While I was out running errands I drove by and saw your car in the parking lot." Since she had been driving around for an hour and stated this as she walked in the door it's not to farfetched to assume this is what I meant and not: "Okay I'm back, now that I'm home time for orders! Call the auto shop because your car is just sitting in the parking lot not getting fixed." Despite this failure to communicate things should have been cleared up later when she asked if I wanted to "go by and look at the car" exactly the wording she used, implying that it was in fact present. She said this instead of "lets see if we can figure out what's wrong with it and if not make arrangements to have it repaired" so of course I asked "Why?" in response to the first interpretation. Why would we go by to look at it? What would be the point of gazing affectionately at my car? I have more important things to do. This isn't too unreasonable of an assumption considering my mother frequently spends time, and gas to drive around just looking at stuff. All of this confusion could have been avoided with better wording. When I speak it's a turn based thing that involves listening and it's to communicate clearly, and effectively. When she speaks it's more like a release valve for orders and squawking. A lot comes out, but hardly any info actually goes in. When I asked "Why?" she should have said "so that you can get your car fixed." Then I would have understood. Then I would have agreed and we would have found out a day earlier that my car was still in Lawrence. You know what she did instead? She ignored me, walked into the kitchen grabbed a diet Pepsi, and said "I had forgotten how much of an asshole you are." then returned to the living room to watch a two legged dog walk on Oprah. As for why I hadn't called, it was 8AM, and I'm not in school. Yesterday the place was closed and today for me hadn't started until she barged into my room [she's learned how to pick the lock, so there's no escape]had she waited another two hours I would have. But of course if I don't do things when she wants them, they were never going to happen at all. Eventually she left and I tried to go back to sleep. I was awoken a few minutes later by dual ringtones. The Halo Mjolinor's Mix on my cellphone and the dull repetitive bleeping of the kitchen phone. She was using both her cell and office phone to jostle me from my rest. When I answered with a terse "Hello?" the other stopped ringing and I heard "-AND YOU WON'T FIND A JOB JUST LYING ON YOUR ASS!" followed by a *click*. Ok sure, I'll dress up and go drive to the unemployment office right no- Oh that's right I don't have my car. We live 10 miles from any place I could get hired and this is Kansas not New York so it's not like I'll just step outside and take the subway or the next Taxi that passes by. Your taking me over to Dads later today, drop me off in between then. For fucks sake!
Anyway despite the complete lack of advice in her rant I know what needs to be done. I'll see if Dad will take me back to campus today and we will try again to have my car towed. The trick is learning to extract or interpret the helpful info that is hidden in all the crap. When she asked you rhetorical questions regarding how stupid you were those are the things you shouldn't do. As for being an asshole, just try to avoid being different from Mom and you'll never have to hear this. Easy right?
I was snug in my bed this morning not the comfortable one in the dormitory, the smaller one at "home" [Topeka]. The one that creaks and squeaks way too much. The one which probably makes everyone in the house [Mom, Martin, Liz, maybe Elle if she knows what this means and isn't preoccupied with night terrors] think I am masturbating. I just toss and turn a lot, and the bed amplifies every minute twitch I make. I'm not masturbating. I do that earlier. In the computer chair that doesn't squeak.
Anyway, my dream about catholic school girls unloading the trunk of my car into Shung a Creek was interrupted by screaming. Mom spent the next ten minutes explaining that my car hadn't been towed, and that I was an idiot, as loud as she could. How should I have known you need to be present with ID when they tow your car? They sure don't mind towing it all those other times when I wasn't around. Why when I actually need it moved can they not tow it? She told me that I don't listen. She knows this, I guess, because she was there or on the other line [she wasn't]. She knows this because why else would I turn the volume on my phone up extra loud and make a point to listen carefully because this was a new experience and I didn't want to miss any important details. I suppose if I had been a true listener I would have done something other than listen patiently and answer all the questions the AAA man asked me. In case you didn't pick up on that cynicism the AAA man NEVER told me I had to stay with my car. He just thought it was implied; and Mom thought I had ignored this. Wrong on both counts. I suppose in retrospect it makes sense, if you don't stay there anyone could have anyone's car towed. But after providing all that descriptive info I guess I assumed I didn't need to stick around. Plus it was moving day and I needed to walk back to the dorms and pack up so I hoped while I was back home packing they take care of things, like they said they would. I thought that I was being pretty responsible by calling AAA but I guess I was wrong. Then she blamed me for not answering my cell phone when AAA called me back to find out where I was. What I tried to tell her but she didn't seem to hear is that I had left my cellphone at home and was forced to use a pay phone but she made it sound as if I had just ignored the call. Then she moved on to me not following up to get my car repaired. "Why hadn't I gone by the auto shop to see if it was in the parking lot?" "Why hadn't I called to find out what was wrong with the car or at least make sure it was there?" Because yesterday you said it was sitting in the parking lot at the auto shop. This usually means. . . That it is sitting in the parking lot at the auto shop. But I guess I wrongly interpreted this as "While I was out running errands I drove by and saw your car in the parking lot." Since she had been driving around for an hour and stated this as she walked in the door it's not to farfetched to assume this is what I meant and not: "Okay I'm back, now that I'm home time for orders! Call the auto shop because your car is just sitting in the parking lot not getting fixed." Despite this failure to communicate things should have been cleared up later when she asked if I wanted to "go by and look at the car" exactly the wording she used, implying that it was in fact present. She said this instead of "lets see if we can figure out what's wrong with it and if not make arrangements to have it repaired" so of course I asked "Why?" in response to the first interpretation. Why would we go by to look at it? What would be the point of gazing affectionately at my car? I have more important things to do. This isn't too unreasonable of an assumption considering my mother frequently spends time, and gas to drive around just looking at stuff. All of this confusion could have been avoided with better wording. When I speak it's a turn based thing that involves listening and it's to communicate clearly, and effectively. When she speaks it's more like a release valve for orders and squawking. A lot comes out, but hardly any info actually goes in. When I asked "Why?" she should have said "so that you can get your car fixed." Then I would have understood. Then I would have agreed and we would have found out a day earlier that my car was still in Lawrence. You know what she did instead? She ignored me, walked into the kitchen grabbed a diet Pepsi, and said "I had forgotten how much of an asshole you are." then returned to the living room to watch a two legged dog walk on Oprah. As for why I hadn't called, it was 8AM, and I'm not in school. Yesterday the place was closed and today for me hadn't started until she barged into my room [she's learned how to pick the lock, so there's no escape]had she waited another two hours I would have. But of course if I don't do things when she wants them, they were never going to happen at all. Eventually she left and I tried to go back to sleep. I was awoken a few minutes later by dual ringtones. The Halo Mjolinor's Mix on my cellphone and the dull repetitive bleeping of the kitchen phone. She was using both her cell and office phone to jostle me from my rest. When I answered with a terse "Hello?" the other stopped ringing and I heard "-AND YOU WON'T FIND A JOB JUST LYING ON YOUR ASS!" followed by a *click*. Ok sure, I'll dress up and go drive to the unemployment office right no- Oh that's right I don't have my car. We live 10 miles from any place I could get hired and this is Kansas not New York so it's not like I'll just step outside and take the subway or the next Taxi that passes by. Your taking me over to Dads later today, drop me off in between then. For fucks sake!
Anyway despite the complete lack of advice in her rant I know what needs to be done. I'll see if Dad will take me back to campus today and we will try again to have my car towed. The trick is learning to extract or interpret the helpful info that is hidden in all the crap. When she asked you rhetorical questions regarding how stupid you were those are the things you shouldn't do. As for being an asshole, just try to avoid being different from Mom and you'll never have to hear this. Easy right?
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